Guilt
by Anora-the-Dreamer
Summary: One of Megumi's patients died and she feels guilty. Waffy oneshot. SM till death!


**Guilt**

This fic is angst, up to the end where it is a romance. No worries! There is a happy ending and as previously stated SM till death!FLUFF AND ANGST ALERT!

She looked blankly at the crimson blood flowing down her arm sluggishly and sighed. This was too much, why? The little boy had been so sweet, he didn't deserve this, so why? Was it some sort of twisted punishment for the Opium? She took the surgical scalpel and sliced her arm once more. She had been told so many times it wasn't her fault, yet she never believed what any of them were telling them. Never. She held the scalpel to her neck and shut her eyes them stopped. She had promised Kenshin to keep living, and while she no longer had her innocence, her family, her career, just everything to Kanryuu, yet she still retained just a little of her honor and was determined to keep that alive. That was all she had, a promise and some honor. How pathetic. She winced as the memories of that day came rushing back to her.

_It was as typical as ever at the clinic, healing the usual rashes and cuts. Then a sweat-streaked man came running up from the street, apologizing to the people he had bowled over and yelling that it was an emergency. Genzai was already busy with more broken bones than anyone could count, some foolish carriage driver had been in a hurry and flew through a crowded market place. They were lucky they had broken only bones. _

_She walked over to the man and only noticed then the small child, a boy he was carrying. He thrust the frail body into her arms and he looked awful. The child was pale. looked like he hadn't eaten in days, and when she felt his forehead was surprised that he was still alive._

'He wasn't, not for long' she thought miserably. The tears she had been trying so hard to hold back fell freely, and she let the memory consume her. It hurt so much worse than the scalpel.

_"Help him, please," said the father, his eyes desperate. _

_The initial shock of it had worn off, and training took over. She picked up the boy and laid him on one of the tables, and gave him ginger tea, he slipped it so slowly and so grudgingly he was terrified._

_"Will he be okay?" said the father._

_To be truthful, she believed he was going to die, and soon. But the father's look was so...trusting. She couldn't tell him, there was always a chance, right?  
_

'Wrong' she though cynically. Life really was unfair, the young and kind die while the evil and the ancient linger. What was the point? They all just died, died, died. She laughed mirthlessly, would there even be anyone to mourn her at her funeral? She highly doubted it. At least the in the case of the little boy there was someone to mourn him. She felt awful just as soon as she had that thought, and as a sick retribution sliced her arm again. Red really was the prettiest color.

_"He's strong," she told the father in the most professional tone she could muster, "he has a chance."_

_The father saw her terrified look, and didn't ask any questions. It was the beginning of a very long night._

_She stayed up all night, the child going in and out of consciousness, during the few times he was awake and not muttering deliriously she made him drink her herbal remedies. That was all she could do, the rest was up to him and the disease had already ravaged his body. She allowed herself to sleep for a little and when she awoke..._

_She got up and walked over to the child to try to get him to drink some more tea when she noticed his chest was no longer moving up and down. "No," she said refusing to accept it. She walked over and pressed her fingers into his wrist. No pulse. "No," she said once more, as though her words could make the terrible truth less real. "No."  
She kept trying to give the dead body tea for the rest of the night._

She looked over at the table. The little body was still on it. The doctor with-in her said that it was an unsanitary unnecessary health risk, but she just couldn't bury the body. That would make what she kept denying real. She saw people die every day and didn't react like this. But it had never been her fault. And he had been so young and so healthy all the times she had seen him. All the times she had splinted a broken arm or added stinging liquid to s cut he never cried. He just looked her right in the eye and said that one day he would be a great fighter and help protect people. She had really believed him.

_The father came the next morning. She had skipped breakfast and had gotten almost no sleep. He looked so hopeful and said, "Well?"  
All Megumi would do was shake her head.  
The father looked stricken, and his scared friendly eyes suddenly became angry. Very angry. He looked like he was about to strike her and then asked, "When?"_

_To be honest she was terrified. Sad or scared people were just as bad as drunk. "I don't know."  
"Why not?"_

_"I...I..fell asleep and I woke up and checked his pulse and-"_

_"YOU FELL ASLEEP?" he bellowed, "MY SON DIED BECAUSE YOU FELL ASLEEP?"_

_She started crying again and her body ached in protest, she had neither eaten nor drank nor slept the last day and she was so sad for the death._

_"I'm sorry," she said, her eyes glistening with tears, "I hadn't slept for three days and I did everything I could a-"_

_He cut off her excuse with a hard slap across the face. He took off down the street without even bothering to pick up his son's body._

It had been her fault. If she had tried another remedy, if she had given him more, if she had...there had to have been SOMETHING she could have done. She tenderly felt her face, it was mottled black. She picked up the scalpel and held it towards her face. She deserved so much worse than bruises and cuts, so much worse than loss of innocence so much...

Her musings were promptly cut off when a deep voice said from her door, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing fox?"

A hand, she was too tired from loss of food, water, sleep and blood to recognize whose, pulled the scalpel that she clung so fiercely to out of her hand easily. It took her arm and pulled back the sleeve slightly to see the extent of her self-mutilation. Suddenly it didn't sound as so angry as worried, "Fox, what have you been doing to yourself? Please tell me Genzai hasn't seen you like this."

"No, he hasn't," was all she could get out.  
"Why?" the voice repeated and she looked up to see a red head-band and brown hair and feel medicinal liquid and bandages go around your arm. It was Sano. Her only answer to his question was to cry harder. He looked around the room quickly, and saw the kid. He went over and put his hand on his chest, then looked at the absolute mess Megumi was and put it all together.  
"Are you okay?" he asked, then said "of course you're not. Why are you so upset about this? You've seen people die before."

"He was so...young. The family was so...angry. He said it was my fault."

"Listen up. I don't give a damn if the ruler of Japan says it's your fault, you had better not do anything like this ever again. EVER. What, are you trying to give me a heart attack so you have something else to feel guilty about? Honestly, fox. There are some things you can't control. When I'm more composed than you are...well, we know something's really wrong"

"But you don't get it. It's my fault. I fell asleep and he died."

"Fox!" he yelled, and shook her by the shoulders, "people sleep! What makes you any different?"

"I don't know," she answered simply, too tired for her temper even to rise.

"Hey! What's that on your face?" he turned her face and muttered, "the bastard."  
"He was very upset," her thoughts were still jumbled, but were slowly coming to. What was he even doing here? No one else was. She didn't blame them. It was beyond midnight, all guilt-free people would be sleeping. Next, why was he hugging her? Sure, she was upset. Like that was something new. Not that she was about to complain. It was nice, him acting like he cared. Next she wasn't sitting on the floor anymore. He was carrying her, why?  
"What are you doing here? I'm fine here really," Megumi insisted.

"If there was ever a person who needed a cup of tea and some food, it's you"

"Tactful as ever," she commented dryly, and he grinned.

She looked at him questioningly and he just said, "Well, you've got the energy to argue with me so you're bound to be fine."

Sano got her a cup of tea, which she sipped gratefully, and cooked her some food. If you could really call it that. He burnt himself twice, yelled at the cookware, and couldn't find the rice when he finally got everything set up. By the time her meal was finally ready she was giggled happily, and he smiled at her again. He didn't even ask for any of the food, the most convincing proof yet that he was worried.

After she was done eating he picked her up and hauled her off towards her room and sat her down.

He put her under the covers, and then unexpectedly hugged her. "Never pull anything like this again, Fox," he gave her a quick kiss, the most uncharacteristic thing yet," there are always people who care." With that he left.

"Hey, tori-tama!"she called before he left.

"Why did you show up here in the first place?"

He gave her a sheepish grin. "I wanted to see you."

"At one a.m.?"

"Yep"

She sat in her bed for a long time, hand pressed to her lips, thinking, before she finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

What d'ya think? This is the first time I've tried writing anything REMOTELY angst or waffy, so constructive criticism would be most appreciated.

"Life really was unfair, the young and kind die while the evil and the ancient linger" This line adapted from Lord of the Rings


End file.
